Grief
"How are you?" "How have you been?" "Hope you're feeling better." These well-intentioned conversation starters, though innocent, ignite a deep disdain within me. The notion of "feeling better" feels like a mockery, a trite sentiment that fails to comprehend the magnitude of the loss. Yet, I recognize the genuine effort behind these inquiries, the attempt to forge normalcy and extend compassion. For that, I am grateful.
Truth be told, if I were to encounter fellow parents who have endured the agonizing loss of their child, I would be at a loss for words. There exists no lexicon of solace capable of soothing the anguish born from the most excruciating pain known to humanity. In such moments, our shared existence becomes a source of solace. Together, we navigate the labyrinthine path of grief, clutching onto one another for strength. My husband, Jack, and I welcome any company that graces our lives, for solitude intensifies the ache in our hearts and the tumult in our minds, amplifying Kai's absence to an unbearable degree.
As we find ourselves thrust into the relentless machinery of life, we strive to hold our shattered hearts and forge a semblance of coping. A thousand times a day, our hearts fracture, and all we possess are memories that cast Kai as a fleeting dream. We immerse ourselves in his videos and photographs, grateful for the serendipity of capturing 'live photos' through our iPhones, enabling us to not only see but also hear the echoes of his laughter and the cadence of his sweet voice. In these relics, we glimpse a glimpse of what might have been, a tapestry of missed milestones and unrealized potential. I find solace in humming and singing the lullabies that once soothed and entertained him, now serving as a balm for my own grieving heart.
The emptiness that pervades our home, once brimming with the tangible presence of Kai—his high chair, his crib—inflicts an indescribable ache. Our lives, irrevocably transformed, revolved around him with unwavering focus. Now, an unfathomable void looms large. No palliative can assuage our pain; it is a force that eludes containment. In these moments, we remind ourselves that we are Kai, bearers of his essence, and he remains an eternal presence within us. We confront the stark reality that death, an indiscriminate specter, lurks in the shadows, heedless of age or love—a cruel facet of existence.
When I close my eyes, I can still feel the weight of Kai in my arms, an echo of the joy that permeated those fleeting moments of motherhood. I recall the sensation of holding him, of showering him with tender kisses, and even the unique fragrance that defined him. His vivacious and gentle spirit resides not only within us but also within all those whom he touched during his brief sojourn on this earthly plane.
